I woke up today after a dream of my life pre-est and in my head, I called it my pastlife. I guess you could call it that because I've changed
dramatically, as has my view of the world from where I'm standing. I'm not who I used to be. I'm insane, insane with depression and the stress of
trying to cope with what's happened to me. I can see the world with my true pre-ets eyes only through my dreams, and if I look out onto the world upon
wakening, the two worlds collide and I'm hit with every emotion I've been tyring to suppress for years.
The dreams were mixed and I don't remember it all, but a girlfriend I had pre-ets was in both of them. I guess she symbolizes what I'm now neglecting, my need for someone else. I've been in relationships post-ets and it's just not the same, especially when the warm months are approaching. Something else has stolen my heart along with any ability to feel prolonged warmth and comfort.
I'm not sure how long it's possible to continue on like this. Sometime I'm fine as I hide under every lie I've built around myself, Other times like this morning, I'm left shaking with tears welling up in my eyes as the truth floods in. It's not healthy and I've been divided. There's a part of me that hates everything I do because it's not up to my old standards. I want my job, no, life back.
Now, don't read this the wrong way or it'll sound like a cry for help, but this is the reality of the situation. I own a shotgun. When I look at it a small feeling of comfort flows over me, when i look at it I see it as a way out. I've had it for a few years, so this is nothing new. It's just there in case life becomes more of a struggle than it's worth. And the way things have been going, I'm not sure how things are gonna be down the road. This bandwagon's breaking down and I've been beating this horse to death trying to see a new horizon.
I don't know why I'm here. After this morning, I guess I needed to get something out, so I figured I'd do it here. There's more, maybe one day I'll post my whole story. It helps reading others and to know you're not alone. But until then...
Never again to be cared for
She holds her head up high
Just a mask to hide the tears behind
Only wanting to die
The dreams were mixed and I don't remember it all, but a girlfriend I had pre-ets was in both of them. I guess she symbolizes what I'm now neglecting, my need for someone else. I've been in relationships post-ets and it's just not the same, especially when the warm months are approaching. Something else has stolen my heart along with any ability to feel prolonged warmth and comfort.
I'm not sure how long it's possible to continue on like this. Sometime I'm fine as I hide under every lie I've built around myself, Other times like this morning, I'm left shaking with tears welling up in my eyes as the truth floods in. It's not healthy and I've been divided. There's a part of me that hates everything I do because it's not up to my old standards. I want my job, no, life back.
Now, don't read this the wrong way or it'll sound like a cry for help, but this is the reality of the situation. I own a shotgun. When I look at it a small feeling of comfort flows over me, when i look at it I see it as a way out. I've had it for a few years, so this is nothing new. It's just there in case life becomes more of a struggle than it's worth. And the way things have been going, I'm not sure how things are gonna be down the road. This bandwagon's breaking down and I've been beating this horse to death trying to see a new horizon.
I don't know why I'm here. After this morning, I guess I needed to get something out, so I figured I'd do it here. There's more, maybe one day I'll post my whole story. It helps reading others and to know you're not alone. But until then...
Never again to be cared for
She holds her head up high
Just a mask to hide the tears behind
Only wanting to die
